The feeling

Do you ever just feel like you want to feel pain?

No I don't mean to say this as encouragement to self-harm...I know that doesn't solve anything.
But if you have anxiety like mine, people tell you to be positive, they try to cheer you up; none of it works, I can't feel anything except anxiety. To make it stop, with something more powerful of course for me it's pain. I don't want to feel happy like rainbows, I want to feel pressure. I want to feel something.

What I really want is for someone to just stop everything, someone to just come and hold me so I can cry and feel like my body is under control. I want to pace, I want to scratch, pick at my skin, to feel any time of sensation to overcome my hearts weighing anxiety. Why, why does this have to be my reality. I try to fight it but it is so difficult when the one person I need never can be physically in my presences to help. I try screaming in my pillow and punching it but nothing does justice for the way I am feeling, I need someone. I need to be held, I know God is holding me but I need someone to embody Him physically in this world to hold me too. Everyone is just a coward like I am. I guess we all need God to hold us, and no one else because no one can do it like God.

I don't know why anxiety shifts it's form, the devil enjoys it I am sure.