Monday, November 14, 2016
The feeling
Do you ever just feel like you want to feel pain?
No I don't mean to say this as encouragement to self-harm...I know that doesn't solve anything.
But if you have anxiety like mine, people tell you to be positive, they try to cheer you up; none of it works, I can't feel anything except anxiety. To make it stop, with something more powerful of course for me it's pain. I don't want to feel happy like rainbows, I want to feel pressure. I want to feel something.
What I really want is for someone to just stop everything, someone to just come and hold me so I can cry and feel like my body is under control. I want to pace, I want to scratch, pick at my skin, to feel any time of sensation to overcome my hearts weighing anxiety. Why, why does this have to be my reality. I try to fight it but it is so difficult when the one person I need never can be physically in my presences to help. I try screaming in my pillow and punching it but nothing does justice for the way I am feeling, I need someone. I need to be held, I know God is holding me but I need someone to embody Him physically in this world to hold me too. Everyone is just a coward like I am. I guess we all need God to hold us, and no one else because no one can do it like God.
I don't know why anxiety shifts it's form, the devil enjoys it I am sure.
Monday, July 18, 2016
Introduction
Hello,
My name is Amy Young. This blog really is for myself, to reflect on my frequent daily struggles...but if others come across this and find themselves in me - that is great too.
I think I have OCD, sure I haven't been to the doctor to have it properly diagnosed. However, I believe there is more than one way of determining this; I mean think of everything else in your life that you know is true without needing it to be confirmed by others. This for me, is the same.
I get anxious a lot, some believe OCD is restricted only to organization and germs - they are naive. It is everything you find unwanted, that reoccurs in your brain and forces most to act on it. For me, it is germs and situations or uncomfortable thoughts that weaken my ability to function. My mom tells me, "You can change this, just slow down and try to be rational" yes there is truth to this, but honestly it isn't something I have much control over. No one does, unless they have help - which my mom finally suggested I get. Hopefully I am not painting her to be an awful person, she isn't; its hard to understand what you have not experienced.
My hands and my phone are my biggest set back. Germs. College really made all of this prevalent, I could see that girls on my floor were not hygienic but also I have this great fear of being sick - I could not miss class or I would fail (in my mind). I needed my phone at night to listen to music and in general I keep it in my bed with me; however I know how many germs I collected that day, germs that are on my phone. Every.Single.Night. I would wash my hands after I showered, then I would grab a disinfect wipe and clean my phone. Then I would wash my hands again, and I wouldn't touch anything again till I got in bed with my phone - I had to stay clean for sleeping, all those germs could not be resting on my body, in my sheets, while my body was recovering from the day. Yes, I am a mess but I am trying.
As you can see, I have daily struggles. My OCD struggles have decreased some since being home for the summer, I am more familiar with those in my setting and I have more control of the germs I am coming into contact with. People get frustrated with me, even my boyfriend who does his best to support me. We both have our issues, he is impulsive and I am overly cautious about germs. This is only the start, of my long year. I have hope.
- Amy
My name is Amy Young. This blog really is for myself, to reflect on my frequent daily struggles...but if others come across this and find themselves in me - that is great too.
I think I have OCD, sure I haven't been to the doctor to have it properly diagnosed. However, I believe there is more than one way of determining this; I mean think of everything else in your life that you know is true without needing it to be confirmed by others. This for me, is the same.
I get anxious a lot, some believe OCD is restricted only to organization and germs - they are naive. It is everything you find unwanted, that reoccurs in your brain and forces most to act on it. For me, it is germs and situations or uncomfortable thoughts that weaken my ability to function. My mom tells me, "You can change this, just slow down and try to be rational" yes there is truth to this, but honestly it isn't something I have much control over. No one does, unless they have help - which my mom finally suggested I get. Hopefully I am not painting her to be an awful person, she isn't; its hard to understand what you have not experienced.
My hands and my phone are my biggest set back. Germs. College really made all of this prevalent, I could see that girls on my floor were not hygienic but also I have this great fear of being sick - I could not miss class or I would fail (in my mind). I needed my phone at night to listen to music and in general I keep it in my bed with me; however I know how many germs I collected that day, germs that are on my phone. Every.Single.Night. I would wash my hands after I showered, then I would grab a disinfect wipe and clean my phone. Then I would wash my hands again, and I wouldn't touch anything again till I got in bed with my phone - I had to stay clean for sleeping, all those germs could not be resting on my body, in my sheets, while my body was recovering from the day. Yes, I am a mess but I am trying.
As you can see, I have daily struggles. My OCD struggles have decreased some since being home for the summer, I am more familiar with those in my setting and I have more control of the germs I am coming into contact with. People get frustrated with me, even my boyfriend who does his best to support me. We both have our issues, he is impulsive and I am overly cautious about germs. This is only the start, of my long year. I have hope.
- Amy
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